Chapter 2 c

The Kiss

TO BE LOVED, tis the greatest need and desire of most women. We want so desperately to be loved by that one special man more than he loves anything or anyone else.. To be his greatest treasure and desire. We cry during the love stories, because it touches our deep deep desire to be loved like the man loves the lady in the movie. Just for those few hours we become that woman who is loved... and it feels so good ... just for a few moments, and then we go back to our own world and reality, and usually our love story is not at all like the movies and books. But the need and desire is there, so we hang on to every little Love drop that is passed our way, and maybe we pretend that it is better than it really is. Remember the scene in "As Good As It Gets" when actor Jack Nicholson pays actress Helen Hunt what she says is probley the best compliment she has ever received.. and he says .."Maybe I aimed to high, I just wanted to say enough to keep you from leaving". Is that what most men give us. Just enough to keep us around! Oh I know that some of you who read this have experienced the one true love, and that great love affair, but most of us, especially 2nd wifes and wifes of blended families, feel my words to their inner beings. And we say.. "Take me away .... to a Never Ending Love." But where is that Great Love..... is it in days past, or just during those moments we watch someone else being loved ~ wishing, dreaming that it was us!

If you are expecting a Great Love Story you will not find it on my pages. Though I truly wish I could write such a story, because I wish I had lived a Great Love Story. My first marriage was his second marriage. I was young and in Love with him, and he was in Love with being Loved. After twelve years of marriage; a marriage in which I thought I had been loved, he finally told me that he had never loved me, that he was just vulnerable after his divorce. I tried for years to forget his comments thinking of all the wonderful times... but finally I realized I had to be strong enough to accept that I had never been loved by him. So I told myself it was not because I am unlovable, but he is not able to Love. Perhaps his childhood, his relationship with his Dad, some reason besides Me! The endless nights of his drinking, and never spending time with me or his children was bad enough, but after three years of living with his physical abuse I could not continue. The final blow was the day I came home from work and I asked him if he had fixed the boat. That set him off into a rampage. The next think I knew I was on the floor with him beating my head against the floor. I still remember seeing the terror in my two youngest son's eyes, and thinking "Are they watching their father kill me?"

Three years later Craig came in to my life. I listened to his stories of his children and saw how much he loved them, I was totally infatuated with this wonderful man. He was so full of love, so handsome, so awesome that it was so easy to fall totally in infatuation with him. And when he was available, and I thought he loved me.... his world fell apart when he lost his lifeblood...his kids. I clung on so desperately, like a leech, a blood thirsty life sucking leech. And to make matters worse he had no life left to suck blood from, (his words). I could write my side of the story and make myself to be the wonderful lifesaver who saved him from death, and sometimes I truly believe Me and my family were the best thing that could have happened to him after his family left him. Then other times I wonder how different things might have been had I been more patient and trusting in God to send us the right man at the right time. Maybe God would have still meant us to be together, but in His time when it would have been perfect.

I do not know why I was so unsure of myself. Why I had to keep on clinging on when I felt no love. My father had brought me up believing that I could do anything, and have whatever and whoever I wanted. He loved and cherished me more than any Princess ever has been. So didn't I deserve to have a Prince? A man that loved me as a wife the way my father loved me as a daughter. But I kept believing that this was the right man and I kept on hanging around hoping life would come back to him, and that he would start loving me.

I stayed until I became pregnant. I thought this would excite him. To be a father again, but he was still in too much pain to know if this was good or not. He never heard from God or felt in his spirit that I was the one God wanted for him. He wanted me to leave, then he would change his mind. This was on going. I wanted him to be my Prince Charming I wanted the perfect marriage and family. I wanted the fairy tale story! I wanted it all!!

We married on Valentines Day. Everyone says "Oh how romantic!" He says..."That way I just have to buy one rose once a year instead of twice a year." Isn't that funny~?~ Not when you know deep down that he does not love you. He jokes all the time and I am usually the object of the joke. And every joke digs deeper into my unloved soul. But the tears are held back for late nights when I watched a love story alone, and I cry, and cry to relieve all the hurt deep inside. But I kept dreaming and holding on to a someday that he would Love me. Someday he will know that I am the one he wants and desires and Loves till the end of time. And I was determined to hold on until that dream became a reality.

Jonathan Christian Gandy was born on April 23rd. It was a day I shall forever cherish. The man I so desperately wanted to be loved by was so elated when he was born. He too came alive when he held his new son in his arms. Wonderful Loving Life came pouring into his very being. His heart overflowed with Joy and Happiness, and I finally saw the man that I had fallen in Love with. AND THE KISS I received before he left the hospital to go home was THE KISS of my dreams. Never in my life had I received such a deep deep loving Kiss, and I have never received one such as great since. It was THE KISS you see in the movies.... the one you want to watch over and over again. And if you ever receive a KISS like it you remember every detail and relive it over and over and over so that the feeling you felt will never never be forgotten!!!!

Read Craig's Story